05 April 2011

On Compromise

Too often I ask myself, why am I trying so hard? I get stressed out over things that are not mine to worry about. I take on too much. I end up with knots in my stomach, unable to rest. These are not good things. These are not things I'm proud of.

Recently we've been attending a church that's working through Revelation. The sermons have been amazing. One Sunday I wrote myself a note: Whose acceptance am I looking for? Are my habits in life dictated by a desire to please God or to be held in esteem by people? The sermon was on compromise.

And I ask myself, why am I trying so hard? And to what end? I want to use my talents and abilities. I love to write, to teach, to take photographs. I love being a mom and showing my daughter the world. I love reading everything I can get my hands on. But what of these things are most important? If I'm using my talents to write but I'm stressed out fitting deadlines around mothering my child, is it worth it? If what I'm reading is stirring up guilt about the choices I make, should I be reading these things?

A few weeks ago, a good friend encouraged me to keep fighting the good fight. Often I remind myself of just that. 

Lily is all worked up before bed. She can't settle down. I go into her room, scoop her up from her bed, and hold her in my arms. She lays her head on my shoulder and I rub her back. She sucks her thumb, I hum softly. When she's ready, she lifts her head, plants a smooch on my lips, and I place her back in bed and don't hear another peep until morning. That is when I know what is important in my life.


Heather said...

Your last paragraph is adorable. Made me smile :)

jean said...

keep going, lindsay! your writing is so important :)

bethany said...

love this post. the end.

Christine said...

This is really sweet. Definitely what I needed to hear today, thank you.

Christine said...

By the way, these photos of Lily make me really sentimental for my childhood for some reason. I was just looking at the first photo and the look on your daughter's face and it made me really emotional for some reason. That we as mothers are right in the middle of helping form our children's childhoods. They will remember these moments for the rest of their lives and reflect back on what their childhood was like. I don't know, I just realized the tremendous privilege and weight of that as I was reading this.