12 August 2009


After a few days of trying to resist a major meltdown, I conceded. I came back from vacation stressed out about the impending changes of the fall semester, namely going back to work. It didn't help to know I wouldn't see my mom, stepdad, and brother until January (hopefully). So, I cried, worked on my syllabus, cried, streamlined my internet time, ran three miles, resisted more tears, and came up with a few good ideas.

I've just been putting an unbearable amount of pressure on myself. Navigating through motherhood, the transition from two to three, and knowing our families are so far away have taken a small toll. But other, deeper issues have come to the surface in my life, and I have a lot on my plate. I don't think I've had my feet on firm ground for quite some time. Maybe I need a therapist. Maybe I need a strong drink. Maybe I need lots and lots of prayer.

So I've been hiding out, trying to figure out how to organize my time, my life, and my home, and trying not to feel bad about how less-than-perfect everything is. And -- no kidding -- I bought Heather Armstrong's It Sucked and Then I Cried in an effort to assure myself that I'm not the only one who feels lost. It came today, and I'm planning to read it until I pass out tonight.

I do think that life is lovely and beautiful, but I think there's a time to address the ugly and overwhelming. Hopefully, there's growing to do here.

And so far, I've decided to take a giant step back from the internet, which seemed to virtually (pun intended) swallow me in the last week. I ditched my Google Reader and have limited my Facebook time significantly. It's helped, especially when I've been pouring my heart into my syllabus, trying to plan the next four months of my working life.

I also decided to start taking a conscious Sabbath once a week, something I haven't done since Lily was born. Adam and I are going to pick one day a week when we'll both be home and just do nothing. I know it will help replenish my spirit and make me feel like less of a crazy person.

And I think I'm going to strive to be a little more honest. I feel compelled to only show the best-parts version of myself, but what I really want is to hear that I'm not the only one who's struggling.


erica said...

I'm proud of you. And I mean that in the least patronizing way possible, from someone you've never met and most likely never will. I think you are being very brave, very smart, and very honest - with yourself, first and foremost, and with the "world" who reads your blog. I've always believed people are drawn to authenticity, and let's be honest...no one's life lives up to perfection! Congratulations, brave one.

Lindsay said...

Erica, thank you for the encouragement. And thank you for stopping by here. I agree that honesty is best and that the keeping up with the Joneses aspect of blogging is toxic. I plan to continue to be as genuine as I can. :)