The weeks seem to be flying by, yet every day feels like it goes so slowly. There is so much to do, and sometimes I get so overwhelmed and tired that I just don't do anything. I am incredibly thankful that I live close enough to work that I can go home for lunch each day, and that I can take a nap on days like today that just drag on and on.The last few days I've been freaking out a bit about motherhood and the fact that I will actually have to push a human being out of my body in two and a half months. Mostly I've been thinking about all the unknowns, about the baby and about life in general. Life is never going to be the same. When I said this to Adam, he said that it wasn't any different when we got married -- life was never going to be the same after we tied the knot. But this is different. I'm going to be in charge of another person and I'm not going to have time for all my selfish endeavors and my body is being used in all sorts of unfamiliar ways.
When I start thinking about all of this, I have to pray. I also have to realize that obedience to God supercedes my own selfish desires and that becoming a parent doesn't mean my life is over (this sounds more dramatic than I mean). The unknown of all of it is difficult because I can't wrap my mind around it. I just don't know what's going to happen.
As I type this, I am as much trying to communicate what I mean as convince myself to believe it. I should look at this as an adventure, that there is so much life to be lived and joy to be had. And I really am looking forward to becoming a mother. I just wish I knew what to expect.
I know, I shouldn't worry so much.
(Any mothers out there, please feel free to chime in with encouragement. I'd really appreciate it.)
2 comments:
i think i perhaps wrote these same words 3 years ago. i think i know what you are feeling.
i highly recommend debra rienstra's "great with child." it was just republished in paperback so it's a bit more available now. you'd appreciate the way she writes about pregnancy, childbirth, those first weeks, and all the fears and feelings that come with it all.
the birth and first few weeks are indeed exhausting, exhilarating, weird, and wonderful. the thing that surprised me (and omar) the most, though, was the way we drew closer to each other during those early days. i don't think i was prepared for that. our love grew deeper and we realized how deeply we needed each other and christ for the simplest of daily activities.
accept help from others, ask for help, and ask other women you trust and love to share their struggles and little victories with birth and motherhood. i think the worst, yet sometimes easiest thing to do because of exhaustion, is to say you have everything under control and don't need the meals, help, conversation. i think with elisha i isolated myself and didn't realize i was doing it until i became a bit of an emotional basketcase (omar was a good soul during all of that!)
i'm excited for you! and i think that even with additional kids there is still that sense of the unknown that happens in those weeks before birth. your words here are great and honest. i'd love to hear your thoughts on rienstra's book.
yup, your life will never be your own again. it's pretty amazing. sometimes i miss being independant, but being a parent is so rewarding that you really end up feeling blessed. and there is God's grace to sustain you. :)
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